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Scrape by or Thrive

by a.flaim

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1.
Face Down 02:32
I wake up face down but it just reminds me I’m alive Despite the haze and brain fog I stand up and stagger to the light Shiver, shake, and cringe at the thought of this being my life It’s not how I dreamt it would be at the ripe old age of 35 But I’m alive I can still be grateful for today I have food to eat and air to breathe Clothes to wear and a place to live People I love and love to give I wake up face down but it just reminds me I’m alive I guess I chose to be here When I chose that same old stupid vice I try to shake it off But the shame rots me from inside It’s not how I dreamt it would be at the ripe old age of 35 But I’m alive I can still be grateful for today I have food to eat and air to breathe Clothes to wear and a place to live People I love and love to give I can still be grateful for today The sun still rose, the birds still sing The touch of the wind upon my face That beautiful smell after it rains Yeah I’m alive Yeah I’m alive My messiness Reminds me I’m alive
2.
It’s time to change, and I want to believe it starts today I’m tired of waking up, with regret running through my veins Tearing myself down, tangled up all my insides Smiling at the world, and saying I’m fine I’ve said these words before, and yet here I am No closer to recovery, and lost more of me With less room to breath, trying out anxiety 99% committed, so I always have an out It’s better to be honest than impressive One is a work in process The other is inauthentic I’m a mess, I’m no better than anyone Another distracted soul, chasing a garbage truck Compromising my values, ‘cause they’re inconvenient At least that’s what I do in secret I learned to manage my disorder Instead of healing it But now I’m pulling back the curtain And letting in the light
3.
The first million is the hardest Still somehow I don’t mind Chasing after what makes me come alive I get up and Strap myself in For another day On the road less traveled It’s rough terrain And it rains most days I duck my head and Lean in to it (Suffer through it / Because it’s worth it) The first million is the hardest Still somehow I don’t mind Chasing after what makes me come alive The best things are Often hard Like following your heart Accepting who you are Creating the life you want Like actually choosing to start
4.
Peace 02:19
I’ve been watching you sleep And I can’t explain what it does to me Oh to see you in peace As opposed to your waking reality And it’s hard to sit by Watching as you pay with your time Pleasing to be liked Instead of choosing your life But it’s not just you, it’s me I’m coaxed around with a bit and bridle With no presence to think About where what I’m doing leads And I can’t, I can’t believe I can’t, I can’t break free And I can’t, I can’t believe That I can’t, I can’t break free
5.
Technology 03:08
There’s something standing in between In the seams between you and me It’s a little bit hard to see When you’re locked in and feeding And even if you try to break free It’ll sound a tone and start shining Desperate to pull you back in To distracted anxious living Despite the claim to fill you up It’ll strangle you until you choke Insist you need it cause you’re not enough Peer pressure to join the club But it will never satisfy It’ll never bloom a peaceful life It’ll just grind up against Any good that is left It’s never just us because Every notification is a nudge Regardless of what you say It pulls you away from me We’re not meant to be plugged in Every second of every day We need to connect with ourselves And each other face to face Click another hit Scroll a little more Autoplay all day Check your like score Portrayed it’ll save Designed to enslave How did I lose another night? On this vampire sucking away my life
6.
A - Admit 01:41
Everything is meaningless like chasing the wind So I drain it dry and start again Throw it away and find a shiny thing Something new to save me But it never does I am a sinner and I know it I’m just searching for wholeness Checking off all the wrong things one by one And feeling empty when it’s done You don’t stop chasing no matter where I run You don’t see prodigal, You see your son I am a sinner and I know it I’m just searching for wholeness Truly it’s only found in relationship with You I can’t do this on my own
7.
B - Believe 01:42
I believe in who You are and what You did I believe You gave Your life for all my sins It’s not about me It’s all about You The best thing for me Is to be more like You I will get down on my knees hands held up high Surrender everything and give up my life It’s not about me It’s all about You The best thing for me Is to be more like You Everything is meaningless; like chasing the wind.
8.
C - Confess 01:55
Yeah I believe But that doesn’t mean anything Cause if I don’t change Then it doesn’t matter what I think, say, or believe The only thing that matters is what I do I turn away from myself to follow You Confess that Jesus is Lord and I am Yours Accept the gift of the cross and be made new Am I another lukewarm whitewashed tomb? Like a dog to vomit; is my heart not in it? Everything is meaningless like chasing the wind If I’m in the throes of Sheol, You are there Loving on the least of these, You are there Watching every secret thing, You are there AND YOU ARE HERE!! The only thing that matters is what I do I turn away from myself to follow You Confess that Jesus is Lord and I am Yours Accept the gift of the cross and learn to trust You too

about

A collection of songs not really written to be put together, but there is a theme beneath the surface.

Face Down and The First Million… were both songs that I wrote for Song Fight. A, B, and C were written for an Alphabet Superset (www.alphabetsuperset.com) event done by the YouTuber Struthless. It was intended to motivate people to put out weekly creative content based on a topic with a set of constraints. I came up with this really beautiful plan to put out a song every week, only to be smacked in the face by reality, so it crashed and burned. BUT! I really liked the idea, and the first song I wrote, so I decided to complete a (small) set of songs to commemorate the experience. They are probably 3 of my favorite songs I’ve ever written. It’s better to be…, Peace, and Technology were just one-off songs written over the last 2 years.

I am so grateful to be able to create. It is something I love to do. So satisfying. Thank you for checking it out <3

credits

released April 12, 2024

All recordings done in GarageBand. Songs recorded, mixed, and mastered by me, Andy Flaim. Guitars, bass, and vocals are me. Drums are either MIDI drums created by me, the GarageBand drummer, or EZDrummer 3. Album artwork (MASTERPIECE!) is also by me.

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a.flaim Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Not a musician; just a guy.

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